love and fathers

it's inseparable.

I was given this gift, to draw men

what to do with it when I'm bored with them all.

ugh.

frosting

gleaming, you dig your finger in—just a taste

you calculate the depth

with imposed but careful precision,

digging.

because more would signal indulgence

unbecoming in a woman

consumption should be tempered

with judgment

young skin

worth comes in
intellectual, beautiful, does it add up
i know i want to touch you every night
but you can never understand this whole thing
jesus christ who can

panging

sometimes the longing
creeps under your ribs,
and squeezes your--lungs-in, poking
around for room.
you get just a little bit--rabid
for an extra tongue in your mouth.

about last night

so sorry i left,
after tying the condom and taking two gulps from the water glass beside your bed.
was it a relief?

it had that latex smell, burnt plastic,
flaccid and useless, atop a pile of crumpled tissues.

you laying in bed telling me I am crazy.
you were not wrong but only close to right.

me with x's on my eyes, sure it's done, that dream,
hollowed out.
let it hollow me out.
so there is nothing left but the ache
I hollow into.

charisma

is the ability to get beyond your own confidence issues and empathize with your audience. Per Edelman, it's to give the audience what they want. But beyond him, it's to take the audience's deepest concerns, their emotional uncertainties, and transform it into a slogan, and to propose a solution, however vague.

ideas for a better me

A lot of my spare time is devoted to drinking and to getting over drinking, the process commonly known as hangovers. But what if I put that time towards:

1--Academic work, as in my own project

2--Professional development, as in conferences, reading groups, etc.

3--Fiction efforts, as in writing about my experience in grad school, organizing, my childhood, etc.

4--Writing in general, as in blog posts, trying to be a pundit, crafting the persona of Mary Carson,

5--The actual analysis that I'm supposed to be doing--of political debate and policy design around immigration.

women

what is it they say about a woman who finishes a six-pack alone?

when did I come to the point where I care about what they say?

I've always cared.

scrubbed and polished my face to meet them,

then thrown caution to the wind

and said what I want.

women.

I am one. Never thought of it as an obstacle.

Never thought of it, really, except as an enticement to men.

Am I enticing still?

yes, but far too heterodox after the first drink.

sex. I am sex. And politics.

And I like it.