the last time

I make futile electronic deletions.
the last time
I contemplate a bottle of whiskey and a pint of ice cream
the last time
I consider thoughts of you good company.

Last time was bad but this is worse.
We are bad together, like this, and you are bad for me.
And I knew this was the last time
I could fall for a bad boy.
The last time I could imagine him becoming right for my world.
The last time I want to straddle this divide, between me, here, and the uncertain doldrums of texas.
Goddamned texas. I'm jealous and needy of her at the same time, tied to her like some stupid wooden puppet, screaming through a painted-on smile for the freedom to walk off someone else's stage
and on to my own.
and this is the last time
just like last time.